Sterile Healing

A personal poem about inpatient mental health treatment.

The air in my lungs was ice.
Icicles were unable to melt even within my body.
They always kept it cold.
Three below, freezing us all.

The clothes were blue like the ocean,
But thin and light like a shawl.
No one liked the unadorned wrappings.
But it kept you clothed.

I remember the screams down the hall,
People trying to escape captivity.
The agents of this place tackle them…

One
By
One

Food was always on time,
So were the pills.
They wanted you to be calm and subdued,
Even if you were disabled or ill.

Most of my days were spent with paper,
Writing about things I would never have.
Drive a car, have a home, and be loved.
All this while locked away in sterile air.

It gave me time to dream.
Locked away like Rapunzel,
Everyone was waiting for the knight, so they could flee.

One
By
One

The goal is to help your mind,
But the isolation gets you.
Surrounded by hurt people.
Damaged goods in one sterile store.

No matter how you try to connect,
You can’t.
Everyone is sick.
Trying to get well.

The groups, the therapy,
Nothing works, the white room is hell.
They keep you, then release you.

One
By
One

Out in the world, you left,
Struggling to keep up.
You think the cold and sterile place,
Feels safe.

The world is filled with unknowns,
But there you know everything.
Nothing changes from day to day.
You feel content.

You never have to stress,
Nor do you feel constant distress.
So you get out and come back.

One
By
One

Authors note

This poem is personal. It shares our experiences from inside a hospital for mental health treatment. We openly admit that in our past, we were in inpatient care. When you live in an abusive environment it is impossible to improve your mental health.

Thankfully, that time in our life has passed. It has been almost a decade since we were inside the hospital. However, the impact of the experience still remains. You go for stabilization and get it. Nevertheless, in the real world, you lose the safety and routine of the hospital.

As an autistic person on top of having mental health issues, it was hard to transition. No matter the reason you are in inpatient care, it is a world of its own. Being locked in routine and then thrust into reality — is hard.

If you have experienced this in any way, we empathize and wish you the best on your healing journey!