The Man Is Me

A personal essay

It was a tiny dream from the mind of a tiny child. Just little thoughts on little scraps of paper ripped from a spiral notebook. Every little girl sits down and writes down the names of their future husband. That is what a little girl is supposed to do — dream of the future.

The lists were numbered in precise order, the husbandly traits every little girl desires. I never stopped to think how odd it is that a little girl, not more than six years old, is already picking out a husband. I never stopped to think how disgusting it is, that all the dreams of this little girl depended on making a good match.

I remember watching a musical with girls my age singing and dancing. One of the girls grabbed my attention. I couldn’t figure out why I was drawn to this character on the screen.

I looked up at my mother “that one is beautiful isn’t she?” 
Mother’s eyes grew larger as she shakily replied “yes, but you like the boys, don’t you? Which boy is cute? Do you have a crush?”

Just a little girl being taught that thinking another little one is pretty is wrong. I liked girls, but that would never be my future. I liked boys too, but it wasn’t the same. I didn’t think they were pretty, I envied them.

The boys had the life meant for me, they looked and acted, and they felt the way I knew I should be. The little girl was a boy, but even boys have to plan their weddings.

The little girl embraced the femininity that was pounded into her head.
Walk like this…
Don’t wear that…
Be modest and calm…
Do what you are told.

The little girl was a boy trapped in the skin molded for him.

Him.

A little boy that realized he loved the girls and the boys, but he wasn’t a girl. The little boy grew up into a woman. The woman wanted a life but was never filled with the happiness she dreamed of. Did he dream? Did they dream?

They realized that being a man didn’t change the people they love. It only changed if they love themself. That was the dream, to love the self.

Love yourself before you find love. It is a never-ending story that was dreamt by a little boy. The little boy that became a man. The man that is living the life that they wanted, the life they never thought they would have.

Prompt by Ravyne Hawke in Promptly Written: “Sometimes the dreams that come true are the dreams you never even knew you had.”― Alice Sebold, The Lovely Bones.”