Teddy Bear Of Evolution

A personal essay.

It is the end of an era. As I stare at the blank page, I begin to type but feel no desire to continue. It’s a hesitation that arrives prior to life evolving. I am excited to start a new chapter. Everything that starts will eventually have an end, but it’s an emotional rollercoaster.

One moment, I was filled with anticipation. The next I am in a pit of despair and dread floods inside me.

Water brings life and death. In this case, the floodgates open the door to a new world. A chance to question goals and internal narratives. It is a movement of good changes.

But still, it is daunting. The urge to evolve is stifled by the familiar. Chaos is comfortable. Stress is comfortable.

This upcoming event is a chance to restart and refresh. To remove the stress and turmoil and finally live in serenity.

Why is serenity so terrifying? The thought that the world works as it should like a clock. The pendulum works fine, it keeps the time on point. Tick, tock, tick, tock, the man runs up the clock. The clock strikes one and the man runs down only to go back up the next day. Stability is supposed to be comforting, but it is a raging beast ready to tear my flesh to shreds.

Being grateful doesn’t erase the dread. It worsens it and adds shame into the cauldron of a potion I wanted to make. I hand-picked each ingredient to brew a change.

I did it. I create success with emotional strings attached like a puppet dancing for its master. Either way, there is no turning back now. I climbed this mountain, set this clock, and face the beast that haunts me.

Maybe — if I embrace the beast it will morph into a cuddling teddy bear that is warm and scented with lavender. Maybe — the beast is my friend.

So the rollercoaster ascends only to descend again in the morning. At least for now, I am content, holding the teddy bear of my evolution — waiting to face the beast in the morning.

Prompt by Ravyne Hawke in Promptly Written “Moody Monday — an emotional rollercoaster”