Trained Fallacy

A turbulent personal essay.

I wander aimlessly in the dark searching for a hand or a glimmering smile. Nothing ever seems to be in the dark, but torment. Life is on a clock that ticks without pause. It is said that people come into your life for a reason. Once the purpose is done — they leave.

Bullshit.

Humanity is a complicated organism that holds autonomy. Bad or good lessons are not taught through the actions of others. Everyone gleans their interpretation of any event in life.

Humans are a wild card or a box of chocolates that opens and you don’t get to choose what you get — or do you? Instead of a life lesson, I see it as a choice.

Every time you take a breath, you make a choice. Every time you say a word you make a choice. Every time you ignore the beast inside you causing turbulence in your life — you make a choice.

I ignore myself. The pain, the loneliness, and the anger toward those that created the web of turbulent trauma I see in the mirror every day. I don’t want to see it. So I care about other people’s needs, and I hyper-focus on how I can help them. Aren’t we trained as children to put others first?

It’s a fallacy of logic that puts baby in a corner every single time.

The side effect of self-ignorance is a perpetual loop of disappointment. I call it “the year curse.”

It’s like clockwork: I get to know you, I like you, I make changes in my life to include you, and everything seems fine until — BAM!

The red flags start waving in my face and I push them down — no it can’t be right. Surprise, surprise within twelve months the red flags were the truth. I like to think of it as a curse.

A supernatural occurrence outside of my control that haunts me, sucking the life out of me like a tumor. It hides in plain sight. Consuming my limbs one bite at a time. An abstract evil that I can’t stop.

Bullshit.

I can stop it. I cause this curse to forever play on repeat because I give people chances. I was trained to give them chances. I was trained to be uncomfortable in the presence of society. I was trained to care about everyone else — except myself.

To rid myself of this curse, I must shed the need to be liked. Remove the dead skin of social graces that was sewn onto my flesh without my consent.

I recognize the traits in myself that are red flags. I can see my own pain and know that no one deserves to deal with it. The pain that was forced upon me as a child, the abuse, and the shame. Later on, the pain was a result of my stupid choices. I still make stupid choices.

I don’t deserve to wake up dreading the daylight. I don’t deserve to feel worthless. Maybe that is the source of the problem.

People put me last because I put myself last. I stand in the line waiting to be picked by the team captain only to be picked last. That’s it! I wait to be picked last instead of demanding that I be the captain.

Being the captain means I don’t let anyone, including myself, treat me below what I am worth.

I define what I am worth.

So no, I don’t believe that people come into your life to teach you lessons. That is simply how people justify allowing people to treat them like crap because society created this fallacy armor. The armor corrupts your mind and doesn’t protect your body.

Once you believe that you are worth something — people see it. If they are a walking red flag, they will avoid you.

I do not need to waste my time on you. I look in the mirror and see my value. If you can’t — FU.

Prompt by Ravyne Hawke in Promptly Written: “Wednesday’s Either/Or Either Calm or Turbulent”