Content warning: This essay speaks about the stages of grief related to surviving abuse. The essay does not include descriptions of abuse, but it mentions topics such as DV, self-harm, and medical malpractice.
Humanity spends its life trying to prevent the inevitable. It’s an innate need to avoid the negative realities and force a positive narrative. I had to give up this narrative.
I am traumatized; I am a survivor and I am a victim.
Nothing changes this and I will forever have the scars forced upon me by others. In the past, a therapist would say “be positive” or “you have to desensitize yourself.”
Now at 35, I couldn’t disagree more.
Avoidance and desensitization never worked for me. Nor did toxic positivity. I realize now I went through the stages of grief to get where I am today.
Denial
As a child and teen, I couldn’t accept that I was being abused. It was my normal. When people pointed out that something was off, I was quick to reassure them that everything was fine.
That is how you survive.
I couldn’t deny what was happening anymore, especially when relationships in my late teens and 20s added trauma. Stacking onto the top of all the childhood abuse I endured.
Anger
I was angry! I had a right to be, but I lingered in it. I hated all of my abusers. I wished nothing but bad things for them. Still, the anger healed nothing. It rotted out the wound.
When someone forces injustice upon you, it is valid to be angry, but at some point, the anger becomes counterproductive.
In comes the next stage of grief…
Bargaining
You take the anger and bury it as deep as you can. You distract yourself from your pain.
I self harmed.
The injuries placed a temporary bandaid on a giant wound that they never sewed shut. Pain adds more pain, and the cycle continues. A path of self destruction because you feel you deserve nothing better.
You take to heart the words and deeds of your abuser and ask whatever higher power you believe in: “Why me?” “What did I do to deserve this?”
I did nothing.
No child has done anything to warrant abuse. Even as an adult, no person deserves to have their partner abuse them. Understanding this doesn’t have the impact you expect.
Depression
The realization that things just happen. Life isn’t fair and there are bad people that will hurt you, hits hard. I felt hopeless. There was no light at the end of my tunnel.
I believed the abuser I lived with in my mid 20s, that I am nothing. I don’t matter and no one would ever miss me if I was gone.
I reached out for help and the mental health services I received only made that thought sound right. My therapist calling me “crazy” for staying in an abusive relationship. Telling me I am weak for not leaving and maybe I deserve it if I will stay.
I didn’t deserve it.
Thus began my journey to where I am today…
Acceptance
I left my abuser and never looked back. The world felt as if it were against me, but I pushed forward.
I was determined not to let the external forces break me. I received some medical diagnosis that made some parts of life make sense. I got better mental health care and advocated for myself. If I worked with a therapist or psychiatrist that crossed a line, I fired them.
I advocate for myself to have a good primary healthcare doctor and demand to be treated with respect. Everyone deserves to be treated like a human! No one should accept anything less.
More than anything else, I grieved the loss of the potential my childhood had before abuse. If no one had abused me, how would my life have been different?
I will never know, and I had to let that go to move forward.
Life today
I am 35. I am disabled, deaf, autistic, ADHD, and I have DID, CPTSD, arthritis, fibromyalgia, Ménières disease, and a lot more.
But I have never been happier in my entire life. I am married to my wonderful partner of almost 7 years. I published books; I am an artist.
I love myself.
You see, life isn’t about avoiding reality. Life is about grieving the death of who you wish you were, how you wish you were treated, and accepting that those things will never be.
Healing takes decades of living through the stages of grief. Once you make it to the end of the cycle, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Promptly Written Prompt : How can we change our internal beliefs, trust ourselves, and move forward from past events with a new perspective?
Tas The Artist 
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